Maybe it's because Donny went out of town for the weekend. Maybe it's because I feel like the process of getting us to Ohio is going in slow motion in spite of our WONDERFUL nurse & doctor. Maybe it's because there's more brown stuff coming out of Raya's stomach even though we've used almost the entire giant bottle of carafate. Maybe it's because I've googled things that have been mentioned about her last lab results and no good can ever come of googling things. Maybe it's just because it's sinking in more and more that some of her issues ARE going to be longer-term than others. Or I suppose it could be that I counted how many times that I've written down in my little Raya logbooks that she vomited since I started writing it down back in January. Give or take a couple, Raya has forcefully vomited 463 times in 8 1/2 months.
Can you even imagine? Whatever it is, I've had a harder time keeping my chin up today. Most days I'm so caught up in the day-to-day activities of keeping up with 4 cute but busy kids and a wonderful husband that I don't have time to dwell on the negative possibilities. It doesn't do any good anyway. I'm really good at ignoring the bad "what-ifs" because I really don't think that her bad "what-ifs" are all that bad. I know that in time, someone will find that missing puzzle piece that tells us what causes her body to have such a hard time handling food and that we'll be able to figure out what to do about it. She's doing phenomenally well in most aspects of her development but I guess this week I've become aware of things that I had previously been in sweet oblivion to and that's been hard to swallow.