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**I am not a medical professional and the information on this blog is not to be construed as medical advice of any kind. ALWAYS consult with your child's doctor before making any kind of changes to his/her treatment, feeding schedule, etc.**

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

The last week of school

Things got so crazy that I didn't really mention much about the last couple weeks of school. Monday the 18th started out with an 8:30 am IEP meeting to go over Raya's kindergarten IEP. I was not as nervous going into that one as I had been going into the one before that because going into the IEP meeting, I at least knew she was GETTING an IEP. The meeting before, I had come prepared to argue my case for why she needed one and thankfully, didn't have to. It definitely helped having Donny with me at the IEP meeting too. No matter how many times I hear (and tell myself) that it's not us against them in IEP meetings, it still feels that way, so it was nice to have someone else on Team Us. Piper came too and she was very well behaved.

I still haven't read the whole IEP and I'm not going to until I'm good and ready. The most important thing is that the school recognized the needs that I explained to them and decided that Raya needs to have an aide for kindergarten. It will take some time to get everyone into a routine and train her aide (who has yet to be hired) but I am finally feeling comfortable with sending her to school for longer than 3 hours at a time. Her aide will assist with toileting at whatever level she needs assistance, sit with her in the cafeteria, take care of her feeding pump in the classroom, and be with her on the playground to keep her from overheating and from pulling her tube out. I walked out of the meeting breathing a huge sigh of relief and feeling like I can finally feel okay about sending her to school.

The rest of the day after the IEP meeting was incredibly productive. It was probably the most productive day we've had in a long time. After we got done at the meeting, I put Piper in bed for a nap until it was time to pick up Raya and Donny went to apply for a passport. After that, we took my car in to get desperately needed new tires, and to Costco. We grabbed some food on the way home and then I took Raya to the seating clinic to pick up her beautiful new medical stroller. Truth be told, I've been a little self-conscious about the fact that we got her one because to see her run around, it would be difficult for most people to understand why she needs one. Suffice it to say that there are times when she feels like crap and we still have to go places, or we're out and about and she gets too tired to keep walking, or her stomach hurts, or she starts to get too hot, or we have to go somewhere at night after the time when she needs her sleep meds (which we give on schedule regardless of where we are and what we're doing), so yeah. She is mostly able-bodied but she is too big for me to carry when she runs out of steam. We waited for 4 whole months from the time we ordered it so it was nice to finally have it come in. It is beautiful and it will be the last stroller she'll ever need. The weight limit is something like 100 lbs and it could easily fit a small teenager. It's pink and she loves it!

After I got back from picking up the stroller, we went and picked up my car from the tire place. I knew my old tires were awful and needed replaced but holy smokes, new tires feel SOOOO good! I got home from that just in time for the home health rep to come and exchange the crappy inaccurate feeding pump that had made Raya sick over the weekend by running all day without actually feeding her. Go figure, the new one did the exact same thing that night. It's so strange that we seem to have that problem around this time every year. I can't help but think it's related to the change in weather but in 5+ years, I haven't nailed it down yet.

That was one exhausting day but we got so much done! The next day was a little less busy. We had therapy and a little bit of down time to get ready for the next day. Raya's last day of school was Wednesday the 20th, and without realizing that was her last day, I had scheduled a well check for Piper for that day. She was supposed to have a swallow study done the day before but she had caught the cough that I had and I didn't want to do a swallow study when she was sick so we had rescheduled it. I never trust the length measurements when they just stretch the kid out and mark on the paper with a pen because it totally depends on the angle they hold the pen at, but girlfriend is long and skinny.
At 15 months, we're still waiting for her to decide she wants to walk and talk. She babbles a lot and is learning some new sounds, but she doesn't use any purposeful language yet. The closest she has come is saying "Hi" but she doesn't actually say hi to people, she just sometimes says it at random. I think she meowed yesterday when she picked up Raya's beanie baby cat though. Anyway, she is 19 lbs and 1 oz, so she's on the lean side. I can't remember what percentile that put her in but it was between the 10th and 25th, I think. I'm good with that. It's right on target for one of ours. We aren't concerned about the fact that she's not walking or talking yet either. Like the pediatrician put it, development happens on a bell curve. Somebody has to be on the slower side of the bell curve or else it wouldn't be a curve. Piper is just taking one for the team, I guess. :) She has always done things at a slower pace but not so slow that we're concerned, so she's just continuing her trend. We have rescheduled the swallow study a couple times now and I was considering rescheduling it again since she is still not completely over the cough, but after discussing it with some very smart mama friends, I decided to go ahead with it this time. She is teething right now, as we discovered at her well check. She's getting 4 molars all at once and finally got the 4th bottom tooth in the front. She's had 3 down there forEVER and the 4th one finally popped through. So lots of extra slobber makes it harder to get over the junkiness. In addition, swallowing incorrectly can make junkiness worse, so I think it's best to go ahead with the swallow study and see if they can see anything dysfunctional. She vomited for no good reason this afternoon and threw up chunks of strawberries she had eaten 5 hours earlier so that's not good either.

Moving on... Wednesday was Raya's last day of school so we had a tearful goodbye with her sweet and wonderful teacher and then had an awards ceremony in Cole's class that afternoon. Raya was really crabby but she liked hanging out with Cole at his desk during the awards and felt pretty special when she got to have one of the juice pouches at the end. She only had a sip or two but she LOVES when she can have what everybody else is having.

Thursday, we had an awards assembly for the 6th graders. I don't know what is wrong with the ventilation system in that room but it was hot and smelly as heck and the girls were not very patient. They were much happier when we got to come out of the room and they could actually see Ashtyn. It was her last event as an elementary schooler and now she is a big old middle schooler. Where did my baby go?!

I had given the kids the option of riding home with me or riding the bus and like every year before, they opted for the bus. Well, okay then! I anticipated some tears when they got off the bus because it happens every year, so the girls and I met them at the bus stop just in case they needed some lovin'. I think this was the least emotional they've been. They were more depressed on Wednesday. A couple of them got a little misty when they got off the bus and hugged me but they snapped out of it pretty quickly and were all smiles for the picture I took.

We came home and the kids had a snack and changed out of their school uniforms. For Ashtyn, it was the last time ever! No uniforms in middle school! She's pretty excited about that. After everybody was ready, we headed out to play for the afternoon. It was fun but I learned that sometimes, taking kids who are bummed about school being out for the summer, (i.e. miss their friends, sad they won't see their teachers again, etc.) to a place that requires patience and not getting upset when things don't go as well as you want them to is not a great combo.
(disclaimer: it was bright outside and I caught Ashtyn mid-blink)
We also ended up in a bay that was completely open on both sides, so it was very windy. Wind doesn't make for very good golf when you're already crappy golfers. I hit a couple of good ones and beat all the kids so that's all that really matters, right?
Left-handed boy living in a right-handed world
I was even nice enough to get them a little pizza to snack on.
Thankfully I had a couple of Dum-Dums in the diaper bag for Raya and Piper to snack on because they couldn't have the pizza and go figure, Raya actually wanted to eat something.

I think my favorite moment was at the beginning when our host showed us to our bay and then went to get the left handed golf clubs for Cole. He came back while I was getting all the kids organized and reminding them of the instructions. After he went over the safety rules and all of that, he offered to take a picture for us and then he said, "I just have to ask you, what's your secret? You brought 5 kids here by yourself!" I laughed and told him that the secret was that they're good kids. It was a nice compliment. They ARE good kids and I do enjoy spending time with them. There are times when I wouldn't attempt things like this by myself but the stars aligned that day and it worked for us.
Pretty darn good picture too! (and we don't look related to each other at all, do we)

I wanted to get the summer off to a good start so we spent the morning on Friday doing yard work. We trimmed all of the bushes in the front yard and bagged the clippings. It was an unseasonably comfortable day so it wasn't bad at all. The kids were pretty cooperative and helpful and we got it done pretty quickly.

Friday night, we grilled hamburgers and had corn on the cob. (or cob-on-the-corn according to Raya) There is a lot of negativity in the food world about corn these days, but for our family, corn is a huge blessing. It's a small and simple thing but everyone gets excited to have corn on the cob because ALL of us can eat it. We buy it in multiples of 7 because all 7 of us can eat it and it makes Raya so happy. The kids decided to eat outside. They crack me up when they decide to all sit on the tiny little porch by the door to the garage but I love when they do things like this. I love seeing them all happy together.

Saturday, one of my dear friends from high school was in town visiting some of her friends and they invited me to join them at the outlet mall that afternoon. It was so much fun seeing my friend and meeting her friends! Going clothes shopping is so much more pleasant when I have other people there telling me what to buy.

That evening, we decided to take the kids out for frozen yogurt to reward them for working hard in school and helping with the yard work and house work. I asked the kids working there if they knew which flavors were dairy-free (since their website said they had dairy-free flavors) and they told me all of them were dairy-free. Um, no. No they're not. They called the manager for me, who also did not know, and so the manager called the owners. After several minutes and a couple phone calls, they came back and said that the 4 fruit sorbet flavors were the only dairy-free ones. That's what I had assumed but I wanted to make sure before I fed any to my dairy-allergic and dairy protein intolerant girls. Once that was all cleared up, we sat down and had our dessert. It was another one of those awesome moments where there was something that all 7 of us could eat.
(Piper was on the floor in her car seat) I ended up feeding most of mine to Piper because the dairy-free flavors were lame. If I'm going to eat frozen yogurt, I want the cake batter flavor and the salted caramel flavor, not the fruity sorbets. *sigh* It's okay though, my dairy abstinence is for a good cause and Piper is a much healthier baby because of it so it's a small price to pay.

It was a whirlwind of a weekend but it was a really nice weekend. I sure do love and appreciate my little family!

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Preschool...*sniff sniff**sniff sniff*...OVER! *sniff sniff*

How did this happen?! School is out for the summer and my baby is all grown up! Well, not ALL grown up but MUCH more grown up than I'd like her to be and it has gone by much too fast! Raya's last day of preschool was last Wednesday. Here's a side-by-side comparison of her first and last day of preschool. Her first day was a couple days after her 3rd birthday. She looks so little then and so old now!
Her big sister somehow talked her into letting her do a cute little braid thing with her hair instead of the ever-present ponytail. I had to take it out and redo it before we went to school and she took it out as soon as she got home, but it was cute while it lasted. I dropped her off at school and made good use of her last day of preschool by taking Piper in for her 15 month well check while Raya was at school. Then I drove through my favorite breakfast joint and got myself some French toast, put Piper in bed for a quick nap, and relished my last bit of peace and quiet until school starts again. It was heavenly but short-lived.

I walked in the door of Raya's classroom and quickly whisked her out into the hallway to sign the cards I had gotten for her teacher and aide. When we went back inside, Raya ran to her teacher, handed her the card, and hugged her. Then her teacher and I both exchanged a teary-eyed glance and a hug. We are going to miss her SO MUCH! There are just no words to explain how much she has helped Raya grow and develop in the last 2 years. She has been someone I could trust when I wasn't sure who was on my side, and she has gone above and beyond to help Raya succeed. She is as ready for kindergarten as she possibly could be. I canNOT imagine how she ever could have been ready for kindergarten if she had not been able to do {almost} 3 years of early intervention preschool. It's been more than academics for her. MUCH more. The academics were never really a concern for me. It was pretty much every other aspect of school that made me worry for her, and the last 2 years of preschool have definitely prepared her for "the real world" of kindergarten.

We now have a copy of her kindergarten IEP in hand. It was handed to me on the way out of the 6th grade awards assembly on Thursday. I haven't read it yet. Mentally, I'm just worn out with all this IEP stuff and I need a break from thinking about it. The school staff is gone for the next 2 months anyway, so nothing can be changed right now. I'll leave it sitting on my desk for a couple weeks and then look at it with a refreshed mind and clear head. I already saw something in the second paragraph that I want reworded because it is not accurate, so I imagine there will be other things as well. Even so, we feel like her biggest needs have been acknowledged and there is a plan in place to meet those needs. I can't put into words how gratifying it was to hear them say they are getting her an aide after dealing with all of the comments from people who told me she wouldn't get one and that the school doesn't have the staff to deal with what I told them her needs were. (it wasn't just school staff saying those things either, it was friends and family. and her doctor.)

I am trying really hard to be present and enjoy the last couple months with her before she starts elementary school, and also trying to not get sad about how fast the last 5 years have gone by. It's so great to see how well she is doing, and how much she has exceeded the expectations of everyone who worked with her the first couple of years when things were so much worse with her health and we really didn't know what she would be like by now. She is an amazing kid!

Friday, May 22, 2015

Around and Into the Unknown: A Book Review

Today, I have a little something special to share. My good friend and Feeding Tube Awareness Foundation colleague, Hillary Savoie, has recently written a short story called Around and Into the Unknown. Hillary is maman extraordinaire to Esmé, founder of The Cute Syndrome (a blog and a medical research fundraising organization), Feeding Tube Awareness Foundation staff member, and holds a PhD. She is an incredible woman and I thought it would be fun to have her share a little more about herself, her daughter, and her book.

- First, can you tell me a little bit about Esmé and The Cute Syndrome?
My daughter Esmé was born with a number of challenges--some of which, like her low tone and poor swallowing reflexes, were present at birth. Others developed as she grew, for example, she began having seizures when she was around 9 months old. Esmé is now almost 4 1/2. She has severe developmental delays, epilepsy, failure to thrive, and a movement disorder. She is tube-fed, non-verbal, and non-ambulatory. She is also adorable super goofy and very clever! 

The Cute Syndrome is something that my friend Dana came up with early on when we were told Esmé likely had a genetic syndrome of some sort. Dana said, "Yeah, Esmé has a syndrome, she has the Cute Syndrome!" And since Esmé has remained, essentially, undiagnosed all this time, the name sort of stuck as short hand for what Esmé "had." I always liked the name because syndrome names can feel so scary and clinical, I loved that we had a positive spin on categorizing Esmé's disorder in some way with one of her most defining features: her cuteness!

I started blogging about life with Esmé in 2012 when her seizures were totally out of control and I had taken a leave from my doctorate program and teaching position in order to stay home with her. At the time we were spending most of our time in bed dealing with seizure clusters, vomiting, and lethargy. Naturally, I called the blog The Cute Syndrome. A year and a half later, when I started the foundation to fund medical research for rare genetic epilepsies, like PCDH19 and SCN8A, and related disorders, the blog lent its name to the foundation.

- Tell me about your story "Around and Into the Unknown," what is it about?

Around and Into the Unknown is about the journey we've been on since we first had the indication that Esmé might have some sort of medical or genetic differences--at our 20 week ultrasound. For us the process has been extremely difficult, and even after almost five years of testing, we still don't really know what Esmé "has." Her genetics in this respect are unclear. We now know that she has two mutations in genes associated with infantile epilepsy and many of her other symptoms--PCDH19 Epilepsy and SCN8A Epilepsy--but there is some confusion about whether these genetic "should" mutations cause symptoms in her or not. So, we are working with researchers to dig deeper into her genes to see what else might be causing her symptoms.

More than that, though, I think the story is about trying to understand what it means to have a genetic mutation. We all have mutations in our genes--these lead to all kinds of human variation, like green eyes, increased susceptibility to certain diseases, behavioral differences. Culturally we tend to see genetic differences like Esmé's as something else all together--when really they represent an end of a spectrum of genetics that we are all on. Yes, in Esmé's case her genetics cause changes that are obviously severe, but the mutations are not fundamentally all that different than what is hiding in all of our DNA.

- You published this story as part of a travel series - can you tell us how that came to be?

It was actually due to an accident! My friend Channing Rodman sent me a link to a call for the travel series, 6 of 1 Travel, at my publisher Ponies + Horses Books, but she'd intended to send the link to their memoir series, 6 of 1 Memoir, call instead. When I saw the travel series link I asked her if she had a particular story in mind for me to write. Not realizing why I was confused, she said that yes, you wanted me to write a story about "how genetic testing is not the linear route to an answer we think it is." It sounded like she was talking about a journey of sorts--traveling into Esmé's genes. By the time we'd realized the confusion about the link, the theme was already set! The story just came together so nicely all through an accident!

Interestingly, I later pitched a second story to Ponies + Horses for their 6 of 1 Memoir, which they also accepted. So, my second short book with them, Whoosh, will be out later this summer. It will be available for pre-order in the next week or so. 

- Why did you want to write this story?

I really want people to understand that genetics is still an emerging science. While we know so much more than we did even a few years ago, we are still really far from finding answers for many people who are struggling with disorders associated with genes that have yet to be "discovered" in humans, or disorders that are caused by multiple genes interacting, or disorders that are altered by both genetic and environmental factors. It seems like people really struggle to understand how we can have a child who remains undiagnosed despite our best efforts...and I wanted to help explain how that can be. I also wanted to write something about the emotional impact of these kinds of quests. This is something that I think a lot of clinicians who work with kids like Esmé don't understand--it is a hard journey. Finding answers is hard. Not finding answers is hard...and it is all difficult in ways that they may not anticipate.

- How's Esme doing? 

Esmé is doing really well at the moment. She is making some amazing gains. Last year she started being able to pull herself up to stand with support. She still needs support to stand by she is exploring the edges of her balance in ways that make me think she will walk some day. We have also recently learned that she can read a number of familiar words. Since she is currently non-verbal, we are attempting to use this skill to better communicate with her, which is really very exciting!

- What are you working on now? 

At the moment I am completing edits on the next book "Whoosh" which will be coming out later this summer. Whoosh is about when Esmé experienced cardiac and respiratory arrest as an infant. It is a story I have been working on writing in some form or another in the four years since it happened. I think I've only just now been ready to write it. I am working on another similar length piece about Esmé's heart function, and I am about to dive into a piece about her communication abilities. Also, I am writing on my blog The Cute Syndrome about once a week...I see it as a place to test out ideas for longer pieces.

- What are your coping techniques for dealing with the stress of the unknowns you face with Esmé?
For me the strategy has always been about openness and honesty about my feelings through writing. It is one of the reasons I started blogging about Esmé...I wanted my friends and family to know what I was thinking about, what I was feeling. It seems like people often have the impression that people going through life with medically fragile/complex children are just somehow stronger than other people or that our children's lives are somehow pitiable--so it seemed to me to be so important to let people know all sides of the story--at least my version of it. 

I have also found tremendous help coping through service. Starting the Cute Syndrome Foundation to fund medical research for the rare disorders that we suspect may be part of Esmé's genetic picture helped me feel more in control of her fate--even if none of the research we've helped fund will benefit her directly, it pushes the science around rare epilepsies forward--and will help many children like her. Of course not everyone will have the time or inclination to take on a project like that...but other service is possible as well. I have had a stint volunteering with the Feeding Tube Awareness Foundation and been active in various groups to offer helpful advice to people in similar situations. 

Finally, I must say how much it has meant to me to find other parents, like you Brandis, online...people who I may never meet, but who are deeply involved in our lives. What is interesting is that I always thought that I would find my support network through being diagnosed. But for me that has not been the case--I have found people online whose children are very different from mine--Raya being one such child--but who share a kind of philosophy of life with a complex kid and absurd sense of humor that synchs with my own life. That is where I have found what I needed most to get through.--

And if that wasn't cool enough, here's a cool little video to help introduce Hillary and Esmé:

Aren't they awesome?! 
One of the greatest blessings that has come out of all we've been through with Raya is the association with other moms who are navigating a similar life. There is just something special about being able to have a conversation with someone else who is familiar with all of the medical lingo and understands the frustrations and joys of life with a medically complex child. Hillary's story is a raw, unapologetically real account of the process her family went through to seek out a diagnosis for her beautiful daughter, Esmé. At times as I was reading it, I couldn't help but laugh at how well Hillary described the exact thoughts I have had as we've gone through a similar process with Raya. This story is a great read for anyone who has ever been through the process of genetic testing, has not yet started the process of genetic testing but will be, and really just anybody who has a complex child in his or her life. If you want to better understand what it's like, Hillary will explain it to you! (Fair warning, if you are easily offended by the "f" word, you might have to close your eyes a few times but let's be real, sometimes the process of finding a diagnosis brings out the swear words in all of us.) I loved Around and Into the Unknown (available for purchase on Amazon) and I can't wait to see what Hillary comes out with next!

*This post contains affiliate links.

Monday, May 18, 2015


Today was the most productive day evah. For real. I should back up though. I have been sick for the last 12 days, the first 8 of which were miserable. My only symptoms were a fever that made me feel like I had been hit by a truck (but also came down with ibuprofen, often fooling me into thinking I was better) and a dry, unproductive cough. I'm pretty sure that if I had been able to just lay around and do nothing for the first couple of days, I would have gotten over it pretty quickly, but YEAH RIGHT! I have 5 kids and it's May. Ain't nobody got time fo' dat. I finally hauled my sick self to the doctor last Wednesday afternoon. I had to cancel respite for the whole week last week, which really stunk because she's out all week this week too. Her son is graduating this week and I didn't want to risk having her catch germs. She was sick quite a bit in April with something very much like what I had, so she didn't want to risk catching anything.

Anywhoo, I dragged my sick self to the doctor last Wednesday with both of the little girls in tow. That was super fun. Raya is a pretty good patient but she really stinks as a tag-along. She's so impatient and I think she actually gets jealous when the doctor isn't interested in seeing her. It's totally understandable and kind of funny. I got swabbed for the flu, which was not funny. There's nothing funny about having a stick jammed up your nose. That was negative though, which we expected because the flu doesn't last 7 days. That left 2 other options: walking pneumonia or a secondary bacterial infection that was probably a result of whatever I'd had earlier in the week (like maybe flu). My lungs sounded awesome (really, no sarcasm. clear as day) so she was kind of at a loss, and did what all doctors do when they're at a loss: prescribe 5 days of azithromycin and say, "come back if it doesn't work." I finished the 5 days last night and although the cough isn't completely gone, it's most definitely better and I haven't had a fever since Thursday so I'm calling it a win.

Wednesday night was lousy because both schools had their big end-of-the-year events at the same exact time, which meant I had to choose between the kids. Donny was still at work so we couldn't tag team. I ended up dropping the older kids off at a friend's house and they got a ride to their school while I took Raya to hers for her little music performance.

Speaking of wins, today was kind of a big fat win. After feeling like I fell short on EVERYTHING since I got sick on the 7th, it was nice to finally have a good great day. Friday was kind of a low point. I had really REALLY wanted to go to Raya's water day at school but Piper was still coughing and I didn't have a babysitter so I couldn't do that. I had also really REEEEALLY wanted to take the little girls and meet Kaida's class at the zoo on their field trip but I was too sick to go traipsing around the zoo all afternoon so I couldn't. Instead, I was running around with 2 crabby, tired girls to pick up the medical paperwork that had to be signed by 2 of her doctors before the IEP meeting today and got a phone call from one of the doctors. At our last visit with her, she had said that if I needed a letter for the school, to let her know what I needed it to say and she would write it. The day I brought in the paperwork, I emailed her and let her know what I needed her to put in the letter. It wasn't anything demanding, just a statement of what areas Raya needs support in at school. She called me on Friday to tell me that she couldn't write what I wanted her to write because it was asking too much of the school, they wouldn't give it to me anyway, and she can't ask them to provide that level of care, etc. I tried to explain that they were already considering providing her an aide and that I only asked for those things in writing that would validate the decision to provide the aide, but I was kind of caught off guard and couldn't really get the right words out. She wasn't really listening to me anyway, and I felt like crap and could only get 3-4 words out at a time before having a coughing fit. Then she asked me if I was okay and I couldn't stop the tears from coming. I don't know if she could tell or not because of my scratchy voice and coughing but I didn't really care at that point if she could tell or not. It was really disappointing. I really wanted to go into the IEP meeting feeling like she had my back on what I was asking for, and instead, she was looking at the situation backwards. At the end of the call she told me that if, after the meeting, there was anything the school needed from her, to let her know and she would write it for me. Riiiiight. Because that worked out so well for me before. I stayed as polite as I possibly could and just said that since the school was already considering providing an aide, I hoped they would just go ahead and give her one so the letter would be a moot point anyway.

Fast forward to today, we had our first official elementary school IEP meeting and I'm happy to report that no tears were shed and no voices were raised. It went beautifully, and we are feeling so much better about sending Raya to kindergarten when school starts. The school staff decided that Raya would benefit from the assistance of a health aide throughout the school day. She will have an aide to help her with using the bathroom on a consistent schedule, to help with tube feeds so that she doesn't have to always be pulled out of class, and to be with her during lunch and recess. She will also be leaving school at 1:30 every afternoon until the weather cools down. School starts at the end of July this year, when the temperatures will still be in the 110-115 range, and the combination of the heat and the shock of being there from 8-3, 5 days a week would be too much for her. There are other things that were not addressed (or at least not discussed in the meeting) that I would still like to address, but this was the biggest thing and I think/hope the rest of it will fall into place since her most significant needs will be met. I haven't gotten my written copy yet but I should have it tomorrow, and we can always amend the IEP in the fall if we need to. Overall, I am happy with how it went.

After the IEP meeting, we went home and Donny went to send in his passport application while I waited for time to pick Raya up. Once we had finished those errands, we decided to drop my car off to get new tires ($$$) and went to Costco for diapers. We got some lunch and made it home just in time to drop off Donny and Piper so Raya and I could drive an hour to pick up her beautiful new stroller that FINALLY came. Her ped wrote the script for it in December or January and we ordered it mid-January. They said it would be in after about 2 months. I'm not complaining though because I'm just really grateful to have it. It's awesome. We got back home in time to go pick up my car with its 4 brand spankin' new tires, and then made it back home in time for the supply company to come exchange Raya's malfunctioning feeding pump. Long story short, it ran all day Saturday without actually feeding her. She went to a playdate at a friend's house, and by the time she got home, she was sad and weepy, tired, hungry, and felt sick to her stomach when she started to eat. She even fell asleep at the kitchen table, which NEVER happens. Right after that, I opened up the backpack and realized that it had quite a bit more formula in it than it should have at that point and I'm out of patience for stuff like that so I called today and asked for an exchange. They brought it at 5pm on the dot, right after we got back from picking up my car with the pretty new tires.

That was about all the productivity I could stand for one day. We threw together a quick pasta dinner with jarred spaghetti sauce and frozen garlic toast and then Donny went to the evening martial arts class and I sent the kids off to bed and flopped down on the couch instead of going to the grocery store. It was a pretty great day.

Friday, May 15, 2015

Just a meme for a craptastic Friday

Today is one of those days where nothing has gone my way and it's just a giant ball of frustration. Rather than complain, which I really feel like doing, I decided I'd keep it simple and share this meme that I threw together. It's the image that pops into my head every single time I'm refilling Raya's pump bag and have to tell her, "Raya, I'm pouring! Hold still!" And if you were not a child of the 90s and don't recognize the reference, please just ignore me and go on your merry way and let me laugh at my lame joke.

Saturday, May 9, 2015

Pandora's Box

There aren't many stones unturned in the quest to find a diagnosis for Raya. Sure, we have a list of diagnoses and symptoms masquerading as diagnoses, but we have never found that one thing. The one that would tie a nice, neat bow around it all. Odd as it may seem, I have always envied the people who had a name for what ails their children. When someone asks them, "What does he/she have?" they can respond with a clear and concise answer that ends in "syndrome" or "disease". Now this is not to say that I wish a syndrome or disease on my child, but when there is a laundry list of medical problems, having a nice, neat little name for it (whatever "it" is) would beat the heck out of my usual babbling of "Well, she has a lot of digestive issues and CP and a chromosomal thing that we don't know anything about and might mean absolutely nothing..." You'd think by now I'd have a well-rehearsed answer for that question but it still comes out different every time.
It was around this time 5 years ago that we started down the road of neurological and genetic testing. Raya had her first MRI at just shy of 5 months old.
The neurologist ordered a barrage of blood tests around that same time, and aside from some elevated lactic acid and pyruvate levels, everything came back negative. No Fragile X, no chromosomal disorders (uhhhh...except when they repeated the microarray later on and found the microduplication on chromo 18...), and no mitochondrial disease markers.

Oh, but wait.

I found out 5 years later, at our genetics appointment in February, that the mitochondrial DNA labs were never done. They were ordered. I'm pretty sure they were ordered more than once. We did blood draws for so many labs that I had always just assumed the mtDNA and nucDNA labs were completed too. Turns out they were never done. We never got any denial letters from insurance for them, but insurance denial would have been the only reason for the lab work to not have been done. Trying to get insurance approval on genetic testing is like banging your head against a brick wall. We were also supposed to have done parental testing for the chromosomal duplication, but insurance would not approve it. With nearly any other area of medicine, the doctor's office staff would be the ones who seek out insurance approval but not genetics. I was told that I would have to do the legwork myself or we could pay out of pocket, and who can foot an $18,000 bill for a couple of genetic tests?! So we never had the parental testing done, which may have helped us determine whether Raya's duplication is significant to her medical conditions or not.
At our last visit with the geneticist a couple years ago, we talked about mito testing but agreed that muscle biopsy would be much too invasive and really not appropriate given how much Raya's condition had improved by that point in time, so we opted not to do it. I had decided we wouldn't really need to bother going back to genetics, but then we had more labs that were off when we saw the neurologist last fall. She discussed the results with the geneticist and I got a phone call saying that he wanted to see us at his next available appointment. In 6 months. (super urgent, right?) I got lucky and got us in at the 4 month mark.
After waiting 4 months for our appointment and trying not to stress about why the geneticist needed to see us, the appointment was kind of a let-down. He didn't really know why we were there. (gah. because you told the neurologist to send us!) After scrolling through years' worth of her lab results and breaking policy by printing me a whole stack of them instead of making me order them myself through medical records, he said he found what had prompted the neuro to send us to him again and that it was the same things that had always been a little off when we had run them. Then he brought up mitochondrial DNA and nuclear DNA testing, and that was when I found out that the tests had never actually happened. He asked if we wanted to try and have them done and I said yes, so they sent off the order. It was denied by both insurances and we were again presented with the comical option of paying the $21,000 tab ourselves. Thankfully, one of the local mito moms that I greatly admire pointed me in the direction of a different lab and said it was more likely to give us the information we are looking for than what they had ordered anyway. The lab also has a financial assistance program that I didn't think we'd qualify for but we DID, and it reduced our OOP cost to $50. The insurance approval happened really fast, the financial assistance program approval happened in about 10 minutes, and the collection kit was waiting for me in the mailbox when I dragged my sick self out there yesterday. (fever of 103-105. happy mother's day to me.) Having it happen so fast was really exciting and I was feeling so good about finally being able to have this done!

Until I opened the envelope and the reality of it hit me. Maybe it's the fever talking, but I got a little misty-eyed. It's a little genetic Pandora's Box. Schrodinger's saliva tube. What if?? What if the results come back and once again tell us nothing? I mean, yeah, it would be REALLY awesome to rule out mito, but what if we can't rule out mito? What if I just don't want to know? I do but I don't. It's a feeling akin to finding out the gender of baby #3 when we already had a boy and a girl. I thought about how fun it would be to not find out and let it be a surprise. I waffled back and forth for months until it was time for the anatomy scan. Ultimately my need to know won out, and so it is with the mito testing. I don't want to know but we need to know. Now the fun part will be collecting the much larger than expected amount of saliva required for the test from my orally-aversive 5 year old. I explained the process to her today and told her we would do it tomorrow, and that it won't hurt and she can have one of her special treats after. I'll send it off in the mail on Monday and then we will wait and wonder. Hopefully the results will be quick just like everything else has been so we won't have to wait too long.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Ok, I can breathe again.

The big yucky meeting is over. Yesterday I met with the MET (multidisciplinary evaluation team) to go over the results of Raya's evaluations, which were to determine whether or not she will qualify for an IEP going into kindergarten. To make a long story short and avoid the annoying suspense that I've been living with for the last 2 weeks, I will just come right out and say that Raya WILL be on an IEP going into kindergarten. (cue HUGE sigh of relief)

I did not know until the end of the meeting that she was going to have an IEP. First, they had to go over all the results of the evaluations with me. Aside from the very long days in between the evaluation and the results meeting, that is the most nerve-wracking part. On one hand, you want to hear good things about how your child is doing, but on the other hand, you want them to score low enough to qualify for the services you know they need. In past meetings, I've cringed a bit when she has been within the average range on things. The results of these school evaluations have never been a very accurate picture of Raya from a social, emotional, and behavioral standpoint. This time, it was music to my ears to hear the results of her academic and cognitive evaluations. She is one smart little cookie. When the school psychologist was doing the academic & cognitive evals a couple weeks ago, she kept telling me, "She is doing great! I have 2nd graders who can't even do some of these math problems or answer some of these questions!" I am relieved to know that she does have some natural ability with the academic side because I anticipate that there may be difficulties with her attention span and with getting her to do homework. Much credit goes to her phenomenal preschool teacher and aide too though. They are wonderful and have done so much for Raya to get her where she is.

The part I did not like hearing was how vastly different the school & home evaluations were in the adaptive behavior and social areas. I totally understand that her teacher does not see most (or any) of the problem behaviors we see outside of school, but it really frustrates me that the evaluation does not take into account the fact that she is only with her teacher for 9 hours a week and she is with me for the other 159 hours of the week. That is an extremely inaccurate representation of her adaptive level of functioning. I don't know if the teacher's booklet had the exact same questions that I had, but some of the questions on the evaluation were things that would never apply to school, like "Decides what clothing to wear without help". They don't do that at school, so how would the teacher know? The majority of the questions were things that Raya reacts very differently to in a school setting vs in any other setting. She is at school during her happiest hours of the day when she feels good physically, and she LOVES school. At school, they don't have to make her do things she doesn't like to do. Picking up toys at school is fun because everybody helps. Putting away her own toys at home is hard because she has to do it by herself. At school, even the tasks that are done independently are closely supervised, and the other 20 kids in her class are doing them independently too. She holds herself together well at school and in the mornings, and then kind of falls apart in the afternoon & evening, so it was frustrating to know that those things were not taken into account. I thought maybe they'd just average the teacher's scores with mine or something but they did not. There was an average of about a 30 point difference between the teacher's scores and mine and it does not appear that mine counted for anything at all. Annoying, but I expected it based on conversations with the teacher.

However, thankfully, the team determined that she does qualify for an IEP under the "Other Health Impairment" category (OHI). Had she not qualified for OHI, we would have done a 504 plan instead. I had convinced myself that I could be okay with that as long as the needs I feel she has would be met, but I am so incredibly relieved that they decided on OHI. I can't really put into words why I felt so strongly about an IEP vs a 504, but I did/do and I'm really, really glad we're going this route. She won't be due for a re-evaluation until the end of 2nd grade so this will get her off to a strong start in elementary school.

Now comes the fun part. Gotta write the IEP and get everybody to agree on things. I have to say that after yesterday's meeting (where there were a couple of different people in attendance than the last one) I am feeling MUCH better about the direction we're going in and I really believe that everybody will be able to come to agreement about what's best for Raya and also do-able for the school. And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't super grateful that 2 of my other kids will still be there because if there's an emergency, they can be there for her, if in no other capacity than to hold her hand while she waits for me.

The school year is rapidly coming to an end and it's bittersweet for me. My oldest is finishing up her last couple weeks of elementary school and will officially be a middle schooler, and Raya is graduating from preschool and moving on to elementary school. Both make me want to smile and cry at the same time, for different reasons. I remember in the early days of Raya's tube feeding adventures that I thought she'd only need the tube for a couple weeks. Then a couple months. Then a couple years, and when she was 2 or 3, I told myself that she'd probably be off the tube by the time she went to kindergarten. Oh, how I would love to be able to say that but there are some things in life that are just beyond our control. Instead, she is going to start spreading awareness and educating the new people in her life about life with a feeding tube and showing them that nothing holds her back from doing what she wants to do. ♥

Saturday, May 2, 2015


April felt a bit like a bulldozer to me. I'm actually kind of proud of myself for making it through April without screwing up anything important because there has just been SO much going on. Not that May is going to be any calmer, but aside from feeling bulldozed, I'm feeling pretty good about April. And I'm not sad that April is over either.

I didn't post much of anything in April because I was either too busy to sit down and do it, or I didn't have the emotional/mental energy to do it. I have vaguely mentioned a few things (school meetings, being reminded through friends' experiences that life in the medical world is fragile, the boy back on asthma meds, field trips, etc.) but I thought now would be a good time to expand. Not because anyone will be particularly interested but because I need to write crap down or I forget it.

This month has been a plague of seasonal allergies that, for some, turned into upper respiratory infections and asthma. I had to pick Cole up from school 3 times in April because of breathing issues, two of which also came with stomach symptoms. One of the days that I picked him up, there were 6 kids from his class that all went home that day with the same symptoms, so obviously there was something going around in their classroom. It grosses me out to think about it. Wash your friggin' hands, kids!! We were able to get a quick appointment with the allergist (meaning, we got an appointment in 1 week rather than in 1 month like usual) and found out that it was indeed asthma, and that it was worse than it has been since he was first diagnosed around the age of 3-4. The good news was that we got him on a daily inhaled steroid that has already made a difference, and we were able to get him a rescue inhaler to take on his field trip the next week. Of course then the day after the field trip, he used his inhaler at school and it made him feel dizzy and sick to his stomach, so I had to go pick him up again and bring him home early.

I had a meeting that kind of blindsided me in regards to getting Raya the support that I feel she needs in kindergarten. I've always felt like IEP meetings have gone well for us and have been grateful that we have not had the negative, hurtful experiences that many of our friends seem to have at most of their IEP meetings up to this point. It seems that we are now entering the phase where we will be fighting for everything; even the things that seem to be common sense stuff. I am so thankful for the resources that are available to help parents like me navigate the world of special education, and that there is so much helpful information available online.

I can only speak for myself, but when I became a parent, I never anticipated that I would need to one day become an expert on education law and the rights of children with medical and special needs. I know I'm not alone in that. The legal world is not where my interests lie, and reading & talking about it makes my head hurt but that's what I've been trying to do these past couple of weeks as I prepare for the next meeting. I do not feel qualified to be Raya's advocate considering that the other people involved all have degrees in education and do this sort of thing all the time. This meeting will be our most significant meeting yet, and I feel physically ill when I think about it. I have caught myself many times letting my imagination run away with me and working myself into a panic over something that has not even happened yet. I keep having to stop myself, take deep breaths, and remind myself to continue having faith that Raya will be watched over by a loving Father in Heaven who has always watched over her in situations like this.

I have tried really hard to keep my mind off of what could happen at the next meeting, and subsequently what the results could be for Raya in kindergarten. My stress has been compounded by the behavioral changes I've seen in Raya for about the last 2 weeks, that her teacher of course never sees at school. I love her teacher dearly and I'm so grateful for her and for everything she has done for Raya, but it frustrates me to no end that the problem behaviors seem to happen everywhere but school. The scary part of that is that her teacher and I each had to fill out similar questionnaires as part of Raya's re-evaluation to determine if she will be eligible for an IEP in kindergarten under the categories she qualified in previously. Many of the problem behaviors that I'm sure my questionnaires identified will likely not be reflected in the evaluations the teacher filled out because Raya does not do some of those things at school. She is really good at holding herself together at school but there are many days that she holds herself together until she walks out the door of the classroom and then she just runs out of energy for staying composed and she falls apart on me. I hope the scoring system they use will take into consideration that she is only with the teacher for 9 hours a week but she's with me for the other 159 hours. Her teacher never has to make her do things she doesn't want to do, like get dressed, get connected to her feeding pump, get ready to leave the house on time, eat, help with household chores, stop mauling her baby sister, etc. I'm not saying any of this as a negative towards her teacher, it just frustrates me that Raya acts differently outside of school so the school personnel don't see & understand the whole picture when it comes to her challenges and needs. I don't think that what they currently see in her 3 x 3 hour school days is an accurate predictor of how she will handle kindergarten. Maybe that's pessimistic of me but I think it's more realistic than pessimistic. She may pleasantly surprise me and I'm not saying any of this as an insult to her, I just like to think that I know her well enough to have a pretty good idea of how she will deal with different situations and environments.

This school stuff has occupied my mind most of the day and night for the past 3 weeks. It's all I can think about when I lay down to go to sleep at night unless I just let myself fall asleep on the couch in front of the TV. I know that's not a healthy habit but neither is getting in bed and laying awake for hours stressing about kindergarten. I get a little more sleep when I fall asleep on the couch. I am in a vicious cycle of mommy/wife guilt because I feel like no matter what I try to accomplish, I never finish anything that I start. I am too easily distracted to ever finish things. If I don't get interrupted by someone or something else, I end up interrupting myself because I'm so used to getting interrupted. I miss the way my brain used to function when I was getting adequate sleep every night and did not feel like I was being pulled in 50 different directions. That's not to say that I am not happy with my life because I definitely am, I just can't even remember what it felt like to have my brain firing on all cylinders and I miss that feeling of being in control and on top of things.

I have let a lot of things go this month. (like my kitchen...) One of the most liberating lessons I've ever learned was that I don't have to feel obligated to do everything. There are a lot of things I like to do, but when you get to the point that even doing things you like to do stresses you out, it's totally okay to let those things go too. I am not the world's most social person, but I do like to get out of my house every now and then and socialize with friends. I used to do a lot of scrapbooking and sewing projects, but at this point in my life, thinking about doing those things just makes me tired so I have given myself permission to just not do them right now. Earlier this month, I was having one of the BUSIEST days I've had in a long time. We went to therapy as usual, but during Raya's therapy appointments, I had to go sit in the car and get on a conference call with a feeding supply company, fill out school questionnaires, and pump a bottle so that I'd have something to feed Piper while Raya was having school testing done after her 2 hours of therapy. While I was in the middle of all of that, I got a text from a friend saying that they needed a sub for their Bunco group that night and asking if I wanted to join them. I laughed out loud. I appreciated the invitation so much, but the thought of having to go somewhere that evening and interact with people was just more than I could handle so I politely declined.
Friday morning I was supposed to meet some of my special needs mama friends for brunch at 9:45. I came home from dropping Raya off at school and put Piper in bed for a quick nap and pumped a bottle for her. She did not go to sleep so I figured we'd go ahead and go to brunch. Then I got a phone call from the school district's occupational therapist who had done an evaluation on Raya last week. She said she was not going to make it to the upcoming meeting and wanted to go over results with me. Based on the evaluation she did, Raya does not qualify for OT at school, which I knew would be the outcome because it's mostly based on fine motor and she doesn't have fine motor delays anymore. Then she told me that the teacher's sensory evaluation and my sensory evaluation were very different but that she understood that kids act different at home than they do at school, and that she could not give me the scores of those evaluations before the meeting. After I got off the phone with her, I didn't feel like going anywhere. I really didn't care about the results of her evaluation because I knew that's what the outcome would be, but having her tell me that there was a big difference in what I reported and what the teacher reported pretty much confirmed one of the big fears I have going into the next meeting. I had just about talked myself into going anyway because I knew my special mamas would understand and be supportive, but while I had been on the phone with her, Piper had fallen asleep. I didn't want to wake the beast so I didn't go. Another night, there was a church activity and Donny was gone that evening, so I was going to go and leave Ashtyn in charge. Then something happened (kids not behaving or something like that) and I decided I couldn't leave so I missed it.

I don't feel bad about letting those things go though. I feel bad about how messy the cluttered parts of my house look right now, and about how much time the kids have spent watching tv while I've scrambled to meet deadlines on other things. I feel bad about how many times they've had chicken nuggets or burritos for dinner in the last month. I feel bad that I haven't kept up with laundry or cleaning or vacuuming (except when I vacuumed the kids' rooms last week and the vacuum sucked up a loose strand of carpet in the doorway and put a 5 inch run in the carpet, which I also feel bad about) and I feel bad that I have probably come off as anti-social because I just don't have it in me to do anything but be at home.
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